Coulrophobia.

Why god?

1997.

7 years old.

They are so bright, colourful and cheery. The actions are big, clumsy and awkward. Why is everyone laughing? It is not funny at all! His muzzle is red, his nose is round and large too, his eyes are covered with white making him have those wide-eyed expression and his clothes is the worst. Who made it for him? It is a disaster and every tailor’s nightmare. They are not colour coordinated or matched. I don’t want to be here in this big tent. Well, to say that I am not enjoying watching the ringleader called the shot just now with the tigers is a lie because it was so cool! But now watching these fools bumbling, stumbling and slapstick each other make me want to run far away from this place. Why don’t they leave the poor bear alone? Why must they chain the brown bear? I shouldn’t have come along. I should have stayed at home with my Tok. Watching the creature that every night at 7.30 PM in the drama series ‘IT’ killing the children is taking a few steps closer to our seats make me panic and my heart pounded in my chest, but catching my breath seems impossible. What if he kills me too?  I start to cry and wailing. I see how furious my mom with me when everyone starts to look at us. The situation is getting worse now because the clowns are coming straight to me. Why must Walid bought us a front row tickets. I am sobbing and my tears starting to clouds my vision. I find that I am being drag by an assured grip toward the stage. I am so scared to move. He is going to kill me now. Suddenly, he let go of my hand and make me face the crowd and I see Walid and my sister is waving at me. I don’t know what came into me but I found that my feet are suddenly so light and I run. Gladly, to the opposites because I think the bear would understand me. He looks pretty sad too when the hideous clowns pokes him. I hear my mom screams my name and I know I had to get to my safe place fast. I can’t let those killer catches me.

2007.

17 years old.

I could not concentrate on my work now. My eyes will always wants to check whether the stupid clown is being neared enough from my working booth. Why must they always have to invites a clown to an event like this? Here I am panting and sweating because they thought clowns can entertain the crowd. This is not fair because I need to get as many as customer there is to visit my booth. Now with that buffoon clown with his ludicrous antics roaming around the mall makes me feels suffocated. I remembered what happened when Walid brought me to the ‘Royal London Circus’ when I was seven and I am almost being smacked down by a bear because of the stupid clown. Thank God the ring leader was there to save me. I just knew that the job as a ring leader is an awesome job, except for the facts that they have to work along with those creepy clowns.  I hates clown. I fear them. Up until now I still think they are going to hurt me. They will slash my skin and called it a prank. They will humiliate me in front of the public with their tricks and called it a joke. Why the society still let these cruel being exists? Don’t they know clowns are dangerous? Don’t they watch IT? The clown that kills people.

I need to get out from this place before it notices me. “You look pale” asked Nadia my co-worker. “Err I need to get some fresh air. I’ll be back in 5 minutes.” I quickly make my way and had to try two times before managed to grasp the round doorknob because of this sweaty palms. I guess today is not my lucky day when I stares at the vast gloomy sky of Langkawi.

* I have what do people called it as Coulrophobia. It is an abnormal, irrational fear of clowns. I had this fear of mine since forever and i pants and sweats when there's one running loose. I will start to have nightmares the following night every time I have seen one. Clown just gives me the creeps. I just hates clown. I had really ran hysterically to the brown bear because I thought it was the safest thing to do. When I was seven and innocent, bear is most likely safer than a clown. Still think so. Clown is not safe. PERIOD.*